I'm here

a swing is for standing in of course !like a little lion, he's hunting for food and happily eats flowers, grass, and dirt.

this baby is finally outside after a long winter.
mama's thankful the long-awaited sun has come.

Knuckles' knuckles. Little lion paws. A happy mama and her cub with the South Island behind us.

I'm just hiding a little. A year of changes. A new child, a new church and new directions. I am writing, most days. Trying to build up the discipline. I am also spending time with people - praying and encouraging where I can. I have decluttered a lot of my home; and with the help of a good friend, created a budget. I have also been in physical therapy for a pregnancy-related injury. I also have the odd funny day where I have to put my head down and breathe slowly.

Today was like that. Having been immobile for much of this past year, now I just want to go, go, GO. So the weekend, I was busy but this morning I woke up drained and tired.

This past year, a compulsory time in 'stillness' has taught me something of wisdom and patience. These days when things are hard, I just sit still and wait for my peace and healing to come.

I have a few friends who are doing battle with depression. I suffered from depression for a few years after the birth of my first son. It was a tough time. I suffered, my marriage suffered and the quality of life for us during those early years was, if I'm honest, poor. I still had my faith and loved my family, but that ugliness hung over me for several looooong years.

Its easy to get blase about depression but its no laughing matter for the person who it's happening too. That feeling that there is just clouds descending from the moment one awakes. Like driving along a road with pot-holes, fog and cliffs on both side. Or being lost down a long dark tunnel.

In the beginning I just felt unhappy all the time. I then thought that everyone around me was at fault. I also picked myself apart. The critical voice in my head had a field day. I was toxic and couldn't for the life of me, pull up. At it's severest I was suicidal. I couldn't get past the feeling that all was doomed. I started medication and treatment and became a mental health patient.

I had several medications and finally Prozac seemed to help stabilise but I was far from feeling normal. Therapy was my next step. A great counsellor who helped me tip out my head and helped me find clarity in my emotional and mental messiness. What didn't help was a bunch of church people standing around me casting out demons. Or people who told me to go for a walk and just keep positive. What did help were friends who were able to handle me being unable to cope for a while and who kept on telling me what I was good at, what they loved about me (even if it wasn't evident) and who were able to stay strong for me and in spite of me. Unconditional love heals many wounds. People who believed in me and allowed me to heal in time.

Mostly I came to understand that depression in my case was anger turned inwards. A sense of powerlessness in my life and situation, an understanding that I couldn't control everything, an acceptance that life is unfair and crappy things do happen. I didn't have to smile and be strong all the time. Not coping is normal! I also got the chance to renarrate some of the stories that I had grown up believing about life and myself. I got the chance to be the Rachelle I believed I was rather than the lost girl I'd become.

During this time and as I started to head into my healing, I started training as a therapist myself. I was totally turned on to easing and relieving suffering however I could both in myself and for others too. I loved church ministry because I don't believe healing can come outside of God but it never opened up for me inside the church. Perhaps in hindsight that ended up being a good thing. I worked in community groups, at medical centres, at a counselling group practice and at a community service. Our home even today sees a steady stream of people needing friendship and some help in unravelling their dilemnas.

I do not have depression anymore and have been 'free' of it for several years now. I can remember a real turning point when a lady shared some scriptures with me over the phone and talked the promises of God straight into my situation. There are no quick fixes anymore than one can wish away a broken arm or leg. Healing can come, but it comes slowly because there are new lessons to be learned.

It is painful though and requires much support and understanding. I am free of the loads I was carrying that I wasn't even aware of. I am able to enjoy this third baby because of that time I walked in the clouds. Life isn't taken for granted. I enjoy the ability to enjoy. I delight in my family and the small daily blessings.

I make it sound relatively simple but it really isn't in the 'going through' phase. It is like running a marathon. A test of endurance when one is depleted and feels that each new step is too difficult. No one asks for this, no one would choose this willingly.

If you are suffering with depression, don't feel happy a lot of the time, weep easily and feel overwhelmed, get some help. It isn't easy because our own pride and the world at large rewards people for coping and despises weakness. There is no pride to be found though in dismantling one's family.

One thing I have to watch for is isolation. As soon as I feel like I can't talk is when I must talk. When I can't leave my home or be with people is when I call in my 'safe' people. People who are easy, who understand and don't judge and just allow me to not have a happy face for their sakes. Who can circumnavigate my emotions and don't need me to look after them.

William Glasser, a reknowned therapist and founder of Choice Therapy discussed the lack of social responsibility he saw in people he was treating. My bottom line, I need to give, share and be a blessing to others. I get a lot of personal satisfaction from seeing others breakthrough and succeed. It really is a blessing to give.

Scott-Peck also discusses it in his Road Less Travelled series. Society is so inward looking. Me me me! We become selfish and self-important.

Self Care is crucial. We need to care for others because its good exercise for our hearts. We need to care for ourselves because we are important and others need us. How can I help someone when I am empty myself.

I don't believe 'balance' exists. It's a myth. I make the best choices I can. If they're not working, then I change them. Nothing is unchangeable.

Having children is a great cure for selfishness. Suddenly my world didn't orbit around my needs, but theirs became paramount. My latest baby has an incredible effect on us. There are more smiles around here, everyone is softer and unashamedly in love with him.

So this today then is my post. It's been awhile. Yes I have been creating art and crafting too. But actually my life is full of the less write-able stuff of raising kids and staying sane and being a blessing. I hope you are well. I am looking forward to the books some of you are writing, some their second.

May you be well and blessed and of sound mind!

Declutterbug

My decluttering project is going great guns. I wrote a plan of what I wanted to do in each room. I spent some time thinking about the purpose of each room, looking at the furniture in there, and imagining how I wanted it to feel and function. I used one of my half-completed journals and just started drawing plans into it.

Here is my lounge as it was.
Lots of things. Being the magpie I am and having an eye for the unusual meant I had lots of odd cool stuff all over the place. Add to that my crafting projects and all the materials and tools needed for each one (not to mention a garage filled to the ceiling, front to back with more stuff) and we are in serious overload. When the girls come over to play, this is our gathering point.

Then there's my children who watch tv here, play games, do art, entertain their friends and sleep in here. During winter, to keep costs low, we sleep the children in here as it is the warmest room in the house. The heating is kept on 24/7 as my kids all suffer from bronchial illnesses and asthma. Wellington is a cold, wet, miserable city in winter.

This room is used for many things. It's where we eat dinner too, hold family meetings, Jedi's practice their saber skills, Ninja's leap about, and babies find old moths to chew on.

BEFORE

AFTER

For instance, in the lounge was a great hulking bookshelf and several baskets with craft stuff overflowing in my corner. I realised that the bookshelf dominated and hid the great view of the ocean through the little window there.

I had a great set of drawers. It has two big deep drawers. It lived in the garage buried beneath more stuff. I had started stripping them to revarnish them. We cleared out the junk and brought in the drawers, took out the large bookshelf and presto, instantly the whole corner changed.

BEFORE

AFTER

I am keeping one drawer for me for my current craft projects and one for the kids art materials. Drawers are good because I can shove my projects in their and they disappear from sight. The top of these deep drawers also provide me with a display surface. It currently houses my crafted goodness which is destined for a craft market this weekend at Pataka Art Gallery in Porirua.

BEFORE

This home is a rental so I must make do with things structurally. I found that just editing stuff out, removing junk and putting things away created a sense of space. Some inbuilt shelves had all manner of made things on them, photos, a painting I did. I cleared it off all but some little wool sculptures I made and two giant Nautilus shells. It became my white space. Me, who never does white, enjoys the visual breathing space all these changes are creating. I also removed one of my textile peices and reinstated my dear friend Dagmar's print back in its home place.

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

" To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time."

- Leonard Bernstein.

Overall I removed two large coffee tables, one large bookcase, a multitude of books, several large baskets of yarn and fabric, plus miscellaneous needles etc. I now have two tiny tables handmade by old patients at the Porirua Mental Hospital. I got them for $6 each at the Sallies store and love their naivety.

Today we finished dusting, vacuuming under the couches and wiping the leather down on the upholstery, finding random buttons before our now mobile baby did.

Every room in my home is going through a similar transformation. We have been able to give away a lot of things, hold a garage sale and share the proceeds, as well as chuck out a big carload of rubbish and stuff up to Trash Palace.

I'm on a roll. I found a small green rusted cubbyhole cabinet for the front door, just the right about of distressing and for the costly amount of $5. And the other large bookshelf there is being picked up tomorrow for another family to use along with a baby bath.

I realised my being an 'orphan' of sorts as a kid led me to an attachment to my things, which was the only constant in my life as a kid. I also love holding onto things so that I could bless others. I also love collecting things and can't even return from the beach without a pocket of sea glass, round pebbles, feathers, and buttons.

This process is helping me define what is important to me, and what isn't. So I love textiles and making textile stuff. Stitching, knitting, crochet, jewellery making, and the odd exhibition. As well, I love photography and can't wait to get some of my photos on canvas and onto the walls in the spaces I've created. I'm becoming more intentional each day. I walk past things I would've bought because they represented a good deal. Now I leave things for others to appreciate and enjoy.

Still a lot left to do but we are enjoying our home more, its easier to tidy and has decreased the amount of work I do here, leaving me more time to spend with friends and family having fun.

My Goals:

• Declutter and Clean Home: Two weeks to create a home that works for us and not against us.
• Financial plan and weekly/monthly budget: Two weeks to completely familiarise myself with everything from scratch.
• Homeschool plan: Two weeks to apply for exemption and American curriculum for Nemaia.
• Health and Fitness: Two weeks to establish a fitness plan, some goals and an incentive.
• Career: My own private counselling practice: Two Years time!
• Home: A bigger home when the opportunity arises once the finances are sorted.

Lots of big things to do. I felt so overwhelmed last week when I started clearing my home. But I journaled my thoughts about what I wanted to create, visited some folks who are organised, viewed some amazing homes via blogland and got myself inspired. Even with all the pain from my back injury and complications, I pressed through because I knew it would be worth it.

My husband walked into our lounge the other night and said 'it's like a rugby field in here". My friend Betty Ann and I are pacing ourselves, and email each other regular with any updates and progress reports. Its inspiring and encouraging to see someone elses progress and also hear about their dilemnas. Another friend went home and sorted out her garage full of art supplies. Another friend has asked my help and still another went home to start sifting through her possessions.

Serendipity and hard work. I just keep focusing on one box at a time, one shelf at a time, one task at a time. These little tasks everyday add up. I am seriously considering offering this as a service because I can see how it works. It really is about having a vision and getting your head right about things. I was overwhelmed at first but it was really oppressing living in a constant state of disarray. A reflection that some of my life was out of kilter perhaps.

I can't wait to help friends and anyone who needs a hand to get started. It really does bring a freedom and pleasure that can only be understood after the hard graft.