I need a Personal Assistant

... preferably older than 5 months please. Anyone interested?

Yes I do, I just figured it out. Someone who can enable me to run in my strengths by taking care of tedious details like budgets, housework, and time management while I focus on taking care of people and making life interesting and meaningful all round. Anyone know where I can pick up one of these?

Someone who loves cooking, homemaking, organising and bustling about in an important and cheerful manner while everyone comes and goes. Who can make everyone feel important, is never grumpy, always positive speaking and doesn't wake up tired. Someone who loves to exercise and understands rugby (for Marcus, age 6), never complains, is always motivated and focused.

Can that person also be 'green-minded', educate us so we don't feel bad that we are killing the planet and each other with non-organic foodstuffs. Someone who will let me climb hills with my kids, comb the beaches for treasures, break all the conventional rules about bedtimes and meal times for kids, and look the other way as I spend a whole day stitching a piece for arts sake with no rhyme or reason.

Someone to be my cheerleader so I can cheer on my lot. Someone to remind me that I am doing a great job and inspire me to greater heights. To tell me that holding the baby so he can sleep for an hour is worthy of that hour, that the couch is an ok space to spend a day or three, that I am allowed occasionally to buy clothes for me and get my hair done and not feel guilty even though everybody else needs things too, always.

Hey, to be fair, Rich is definitely a lot of these things. He never complains (I mean ever!), he doesn't criticise (ever!), he does housework and cooking and a million other things that I don't even ask for. He has a real servant heart my man. He's cool about my art and crafts, about how I spend my time with the kids and the fact that our home looks like a home and not a museum. I would be devastated if he spoke to me like others do to their at-home partners. Not once has he ever complained (and yet I bet he has had plenty that he could criticise if that was his nature). he doesn't control my spending (although this may not always be a good idea) and he is happy when I am happy. He frets when I'm low. It bothers him now to see me like this.

Our combined weakness is the organisational things ... budgeting, organising events and time management. We puddle along, but that position is vacant if you are interested? Pay: none. Perks: a fantastic family. Hours: 24-7, vacation when we vacation.

It's very likely why we don't own our own home, we spent our twenties trying to figure out how to stay married and like ourselves, our thirties on how to raise kids and stay married, and the rest just blurred in the background. I know there are people out there who know right off the bat who they are and what they will do with their lives. We just kinda made it up as we went along and still do. I am so thankful to my parents who stood by us during these years and even still. To our friends who believed in us when we didn't even believe in ourselves.

This baby thing has me living day by day. And now with a sick big kid and my husband travelling away to work, a new church to integrate into and a lack of time/headspace to develop new art works, it's not hard to see why I can easily dissolve into a form of 'blankland'.

Still, I am in a good place to have nothing crowding me, nothing expected of me, nothing pressuring me and pushing me to conform. I love that part of now. It's peaceful to only have to answer to myself, Rich and my kids. My body is recovered in general and I am walking again. The Clever Crafting Project is going off.

Talk about yo-yo - random energy, fits and spurts of vision, long days of nothing but childcare, feeling tired but loving that baby when he smiles at me (it's so worth it, it really is), spiritual highs and lows.

Yeah right. I suppose I could obsess about my weaknesses, beat myself up for not being perfect or just carry right on doing the best I can each day, mistakes and weaknesses and all. If God wants to send me an answer to a prayer I don't even know how to utter, then that would be great. Perhaps a secret angel, or an answer through some kind Samaritan. Come on you mum's out there. Let me know how you do everything and not fall apart. I am keeping it simple so I don't get grumpy at my family but if there is a way to get more in there, I'm all ears.

In the meantime, I am going to be holding this little guy close to my heart and practicing patience and goodness and gentleness and kindness and love and joy and self control to my bestest ability.

Sweet babies and the truth about being a mum at home ...

It ain't all roses you know. There are these moments (the one's I live for) ...

Baby and I atop Mt Victoria

My honey and I

Maia and lil' Richie

A red mohawk and skull rockstar jeans for Marcus

(what else is does a crafty mum's son wear to school?)

It doesn't take long. Our wee baby "Knuckles" isn't so wee anymore. I am completely distracted with him and his brothers, and his busy dad. My art work is on hold and athough I get the occasional urge to create, I'm unable to completely give myself to it. I have been teaching myself to knit but even that requires a level of expertise I don't have. I did finish a hat for my baby the other day, it's not this one (this is a converted felted jersey sleeve that friend Cleo made for him). I have taught myself knitting on a circular needle and only had to undo it a few zillion times to get the right size (grrr, suppose thats what all the hooha is about knitting a gauge swatch to start with). Wish I had a live-in knitter to guide me through the long hours of being a mum at home with a baby. It does get lonely sometimes, I miss my mum and husband most. On days like today though, when its stormy, raining, thunder rolls ... then home is where I want to be.

My sweet boy at 5 months

This newborn photo is 5 months old. I adore his little hand knitted hat and blanket, all from the op shop for about $1.20! So many reasons why I love secondhand gear.
Ok, so tell the truth. I love crafting, making cool stuff, designing, hanging out with artists, even participating in the odd exhibition, being around other textile artists, op-shopping, kidding myself that I want to live a more thoughtful lifestyle but ... reality kicks in when I (meaning myself) am a full-time at home mother. I am lucky if I get a shower and change of clothes, if the baby gets a bath once a week, if we make it to our monthly payday without running out of money, if the washing gets done, some days I am ahead just getting out of bed and onto the couch in the lounge. I am not depressed but there is a sense of purposelessness .... yeah, yeah, I know ... kids are my life blah blah. Of course I love my family, I would throw myself in front of a truck for them if it came to it. But there is this lethargy I fight, especially if I don't have an appointment of some sort for the day. I can't be bothered going to all those playgroups, I don't want to do coffee with friends all the time (although for crafting purposes I am always available). I need a purpose to my days again. I have a love/hate relationship with my home, I love being here but hate housework. I spend most of my time missing Rich when he's not here. Being a parent is hard work even with a partner. We see each other finally at the end of the night when the kids are in bed and everything is done, but by then it's late and not exactly a great time for talking. Everything is an effort. Being at home has this effect on me. Kinda draining and like swimming in molasses (golden syrup for us kiwi's). And then there are all my good intentions. Like The Clever Crafting Project. I had so many ideas but feel very blessed that at least our get togethers are generating enthusiasm and a warm sense of community among those who attend. Our 'free' table has lots of free goodies every month, we are seeing lots of new people and those who've been are returning (a sign of success), and the atmosphere is friendly and welcoming and exciting as we are create, inspire and encourage one another.Another good intention made good included teaching some children to knit, albeit on a smaller scale. Here are my good friend Chrissies daughters Zoe and Shalom. I didn't factor in that teaching knitting would be a slow process thinking that a few quick demos and we'd all be chatting and knitting happily. However they made great progress, got to use some of the rather large stash of wool donated happily from friend Betty-Anne. The girls got started on their first project - a scarf for winter. I thought I was going to have a tea party (talk about ambitious but I love to make an occasion out of anything) but fish and chips had to suffice. I felt pretty good when they wrapped their bits around their necks. They were proud as punch when they got home. I figured out later that I actually need to teach mums and then they can teach their kids (or at least knit alongside). So Chris, this is your early warning that you and I are going to refresh those knitting skills.

The Clever Crafting Project grows.

One of my goals was to use crafting to bring people together just like in the good old days when people belonged to a community that cared. It's great for making new friends (read: networking) and building support systems.

As a counsellor (albeit a slightly rusty one) I am always aware of how little support our modern society provides. We have to pay for someone to care and listen for an hour, bring in the specialists when our kids are struggling, have rising mental health issues as a nation (who hasn't struggled with depression and anxiety of some form or a rather). I like to think that being together, caring, laughing, talking, sharing, and making are a nice way to make people feel good, cared for and clever! A fence at the top of the cliff rather than an ambulance at the bottom to a nation who feels like I do sometimes ... isolated, lonely, uninspired, etc. I belong to a church community and in the past it has offered all of the above for me at different times. It takes time (and courage) to build meaningful relationships. Still I like it. I guess other people find their focus and sense of belonging in sports teams, other interest groups, their careers, their hobbies, Friday nights on the town etc.

Blogland has become another way of connecting me to the world, especially when the chips have been down. I have met some amazing people here. India (Prophet of Bloom), Nina (Ornamental), and Robyn (Art Propelled) are three that immediately come to mind along with Melissa (Tiny Happy) and Amanda (Soulemama) who are inspirational as mums, women and makers.

I shamelessly lifted the saying below from Robyn's blog. Frustrated that I feel like I am wasting my life away, yet knowing I don't want to be anywhere else because Rich and I are committed (willingly) to raising our kids ourselves especially during these early years. Unmotivated but not regretful. I am happy here I just wish I knew how to do it better. Lots of time to reflect, too much maybe. I hate this uncertain feeling, like being unravelled. How do all those women get so motivated at home? Is there a secret? Cause home is where I want to be ... do you have any ideas? Can anyone relate?

"I think every artist is more or less a recluse of some sort, secretly waiting for those moments when he will be alone with his art, searching, looking into the depths of himself. I guess the idea is never to stop discovering new hidden paths inside us." - Thinker

The idea that excites me the most is that perhaps my life is like a book and this is just another page turning with different adventures awaiting overleaf. Patience has never been my best asset. And those moments with my precious baby are pretty special. I know God ultimately has it in hand, just sometimes I would like more foresight and not so much hindsight! Sigh.